Show Notes:

Sharp Game: [00:00:01] Welcome to another episode coming at you from choose your relationships. Author of Love Can't Wait, which can be found on Amazon.com. So today I have a special guest. She's known as a dating expert specializing in helping people get their ex back. She's written two books on contact sales and the lessons of love. She's been featured in over 100 national and international radio and TV shows as an expert, including Dr. Phil., CBS Early Show, 60 Minutes Australia, The Tyra Banks Show, the E! Entertainment, ABC, seven News, KTLA Morning Show, Good Day, L.A. Fox five News, Playboy Radio, Cosmo Radio. My special guest today is Lucy. Welcome to the show!

Lucia: [00:00:58] Thank you. Good to be here. Thanks for having me.

Sharp Game: [00:01:01] Yeah. So how did you get started along this journey of being known as the the person that helped people get their legs back?

Lucia: [00:01:11] Well, interestingly enough, I was broken up with and I was used to being broken up with because usually I was the one to leave and. Someone broke up with me and I wanted them back, and I actually wasn't sure how to get them back, even though I was a dating expert at the time, but I didn't have a lot of knowledge on that topic. And so I went on YouTube and I started to research, and there wasn't a lot of information at that time. And so I started to do more and more research, and as I delved into it, I decided this is what I wanted to specialize in. So that's how it happened.

Sharp Game: [00:01:51] So, you know, some people would say, well, why do I even want to go? Why do I even want to go back? I mean, what's going to change? What would you say if someone was to say that right?

Lucia: [00:02:06] Well, see, here's the thing, and everyone says that it's like, why would you want an that until they find themselves in that situation? And it kind of helps to be in that situation or to have been it to really understand it? Because most of my coaching clients, they say to me, I've gone through other breakups. I've never wanted an ex back, but this one is different. This one I want back. And so it's not necessarily a logical decision, but it's been shown, interestingly enough, that the brain scans of people who have been broken up with and who are in love are very similar to the brain scans of people who are on coke and trying to get off of coke. And so telling someone, you know, to just go get your ex back, just move on is like telling a coke addict, know, just stop doing coke. So they can't help themselves. They want their ex back, whether it's good or bad, they want them back. Now if someone if there's been abuse in the relationship, physical abuse, then I absolutely refuse to help them get them back. But otherwise. You know, it's not for me or for you to say whether they want, they should have them back or not, if they want them back. I help them get them back and obviously I tell them, Listen, there has to be some changes here, because if they broke up with you for a reason, which there's always a reason and that reason doesn't change and everything remains the same, then there's going to be another breakup. So sometimes after a breakup is good because it helps you to see where the issues is, where the issues are, and that way you can work on them and then come back stronger next time.

Sharp Game: [00:03:45] Right, so most of the people that you coach are there younger or older or both.

Lucia: [00:03:53] Um, it's actually both, and it's people all over the world and I have people in their 20s in their sixties, and these are not dumb people because you might think, Oh, please, you know why? Why do they want their expect? That's dumb. These are professionals, very successful people often, and they're also other they're psychologists and psychiatrists. Sometimes, you know, they come to me to find out how to get her next back because they have a knowledge gap there because obviously they deal with people's mental health and then they realize they don't know how to get an exact.

Sharp Game: [00:04:30] Wow. So how? That's interesting. So how does that dynamic play out if, for example, a psychologist comes to you for advice on dating? How does that play out? Is it? Is it kind of, I would say, comfortable for that professional?

Lucia: [00:04:58] Well, it's not so much about comfort, it's like they need the help, so they're willing to reach out. Ok. You know, and they understand, they don't know because when they go to school to study psychology, there's no class in how to help your client get their exact.

Sharp Game: [00:05:15] Yeah, that's the reason why I ask that, because like when it comes to being a life coach, there's kind of like a stigma where it's like some people would say, Well, I don't want to go to a life coach. I mean, they're not really certified in anything. So, you know, I mean, what type of credentials would they have? There's I hear people that say that. That's why I ask that question.

Lucia: [00:05:39] Right? Well, you know, so I'm not helping people with their mental illness. I'm not diagnosing anything. So I don't need to have a degree. I just need to have knowledge and a strategy and that I have.

Sharp Game: [00:05:52] Exactly. I agree with that 100 percent. So. What so what type of coaching do you offer?

Lucia: [00:06:05] Well, I mainly specialize in helping people get their ex back because that's when people are mostly in pain. In fact, several of my clients have said that the loss of their partner was more painful than the loss, the death of one or both of their parents. So that's pretty heavy when you think about it, because you think losing one or both parents is going to be the most painful time of your life. And now it looks like for some people, losing it and having an ex being broken up with supersedes that pain. So there's a lot of pain. I mean, rejection is painful anyway. Even if you're dating someone casually and they decide they don't want to see you anymore. You know, no one likes to be rejected, but to have been in a relationship with someone or to have been married with someone and then to have that person end it. And sometimes it's just out of the blue. People don't even know. I've had cases several times, which I still trying to figure out why this happens where their ex was in the morning. They'll say, Oh, I love you. And in the evening, they'll break up with them.

Sharp Game: [00:07:09] Wow. Well, I can I can relate to that. Really? Yeah. In my 20s. Okay. Yeah, I can relate to that. So if someone comes to you, I guess initially in the beginning and said, Hey, you know, my my ex, my husband or my girlfriend or my boyfriend broke up with me. What's one of the first things you would tell them?

Lucia: [00:07:39] Okay, so I tell them that the first thing they have to do is what's called no contact, and that's actually why I called my book no contact secrets, and that basically means you cannot have any contact with them whatsoever. And there's a bunch of rules that go along with that, such as taking their number out of out of your phone so that you don't accidentally contact them. You have to basically disappear as if you were in witness protection. You have to disappear from their life because they're going to be expecting some pushback. They're going to be expecting you to try to talk them out of it or to try to contact them, begging, pleading. Now some people, they obviously do that at the time of the breakup. And you know, that's fine. But at some point you have to stop. You have to go into no contact because if you continue to have contact with your ex, what you're actually doing is you're sabotaging your chances of getting back with them because you are now helping them get over you. But by using you because they haven't totally lost you. And so you're still in their life and so they can slowly, slowly back away. However, if you just disappear, then it's a lot more painful for them. Because when someone breaks up with you, there's always a part of them that didn't want to break up with you.

Lucia: [00:08:52] So let's say 60 percent wanted to break up with you and 40 percent didn't. So we're playing on that 40 percent, the no contact effects that 40 percent of them didn't want to lose you. That would have wanted to still have you in their lives, but for whatever reason, they chose not to. So that's the first thing they have to do. And then if you took your ex for granted and guys tend to do this more than women or you cheated, then after about 30 days, then you can contact them and start trying to get the relationship back. However, if you didn't take your ex for granted and you didn't cheat, then you have to stay in no contact for as long as necessary for as long as you need to. And I found that usually 90 percent of people do hear about from their exit. Doesn't mean they're going to get back together, but they do hear back and usually the ex will make an appearance between days forty five and 60 of no contact. So as you can see, it's not something that's resolved in a couple of weeks. Usually, it takes six to eight weeks to at least hear from your ex.

Sharp Game: [00:10:05] Wow, OK. That's interesting. So in this day and time, you know, we live in a very technology driven world today and, you know, the internet just happens to be a part of it. So what do you think? What do you think about dating today in this day and time?

Lucia: [00:10:28] Right. Well, I guess you're talking about the dating apps. Yeah. Right. So, you know, as with most things, it's a double edged sword. The great thing is that you meet people that you would not have met otherwise. But you just don't run the same circles, you don't live nearby or whatever, so you have lots and lots of options. And of course, the bad thing is that you have lots and lots of options. And so you're like a kid in a candy store. It's like, Yeah, I want this candy. But wait, this candy looks good too. But wait over there. That looks good, too. And so you have so much choice that people aren't. Some people aren't inclined to try and make things work out because they know they can just hop back on an app and swipe a bit and probably find someone else.

Sharp Game: [00:11:18] Yeah, exactly. I think sometimes we have too many options, too many ways to contact, too many ways to have conversations with people, and sometimes I think there's a balance. And if I think most people would, if they don't really focus on the balance, they just see one way and they'll say, Hell, I'll try this way, I'll try that way and on and on and on, you know?

Lucia: [00:11:49] Right? Yeah. But I guess everything is better because, you know, before otherwise, you were just relegated to meeting people at work. Yeah. Or at a club or through friends or at the gym.

Sharp Game: [00:12:02] Yeah, exactly. So if people wanted to work with you or if they wanted your help, where would they go to?

Lucia: [00:12:13] You can go to my website, the arch of Love Dot Net, the links are there for the coaching. The link is there, obviously for my book, my books, and I should also mention I have to have an app called Silencio, which means silence in Italian. So it's a no contact app to help people going through a breakup to help them stay no contact. And there's also, even if you're not going through a breakup, there's a section for affirmation. People are starting to get into affirmations more and more today. So right now, it's only available in the App Store and it's spelt L e n z, i o and you can download it and it'll help you with your no contact.

Sharp Game: [00:12:56] Ok, so all these links will be found in the show notes so. So you know, I appreciate you from coming on, you know? Sure. So like, share this episode. Tell me what you think about it until next time we have a piece.