Isn’t it Time You Give Up on Men and Love?

Isn’t it Time You Give Up on Men and Love?

Believe it or not….The New York Times Modern Love column is consistently good. But since I can’t post the entire article here, I’m only going to share what hit me hard. This piece, “What is a Man For?” by Karen Rinaldi, she did just that.

In the article, she talks about her consistently bad decision making when it comes to men. H “What is a Man For?” by Karen Rinaldier first husband was gay and died of AIDS. Here’s what Rinaldi says about what happened next.

“I married my second husband after only one date. I had been so wrong about my first, I wondered: What would happen if I married someone I didn’t know? I was testing the universe.

He was handsome, strong, accomplished and funny. But after a few years of dating backward (we married without knowing each other and spent the next three years becoming familiar and intimate), I realized I couldn’t live with him. He was possessive, and my need for freedom didn’t make for a secure marriage. He referred to me as “my wife” even when speaking to my own father.

Besides the two marriages, I cohabitated with two other men and dated others. A serial monogamist, I found that at every turn I was constrained by issues of, well, maleness. There was a kind of inherent dominance that tipped the balance of power away from me, and I often felt I was playing a role.
Money was often a factor in these early relationships, and eventually I came to believe in these unassailable truths:

Isn't it time to give up on men and love

Isn’t it time to give up on men and love

1. If the man made more money, then you were doing things his way.
2. If he was broke, he resented your ability to support him.
3. If there was economic parity, he made sure you knew who was really the boss.”

Sounds like many experiences of people (and thinking) we see so often in the questions and comments here. Women choose selfish alpha males who are inconsiderate of their needs, and insecure beta males who feel powerless and emasculated. And come to the conclusion this is the way all relationships work.

Unfortunately, it’s not.

From her own unsuccessful relationships (and her parents uninspiring 60-year-marriage) Rinaldi came to the obvious conclusion the only answer was to be alone.

“I was already supporting myself. I figured I would manage as well with a child, so the idea of being provided for was moot. Besides, I preferred having my own money and therefore my own agency.”

Rinaldi decided to find a sperm donor and become a single mom. As she wrote, “What’s a man for, really? If not to provide, protect or procreate, why do we need them?”

Then she fell in love with a married man…who left his wife and married Rinaldi.
Says the author, “I don’t need him, but I want him in my life. He doesn’t protect me from others, only from my worst instincts. And as far as procreating, well, we did it the old-fashioned way and that will never get old.

He is comfortable in his masculinity and doesn’t need to remind me of who is boss, because in our relationship there isn’t one. Our lives are shared at every level and I realize now what a man is for.
He is a true partner. He is a lover and a friend. He is the father of my children and the only one in the world who cares about the minutiae of their lives like I do.”

And that, my friend, is why you should keep dating. Even if you’ve made dozens of bad relationship choices in the past, you always have a chance to rewrite your future.

Your thoughts, below, are appreciated.

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